This month is your month, the day you were born, this month is just a bittersweet moment for me. For some reason unknown to us; you left through that door leaving pain and confusion behind you. For over seven years on this month I crave to hear your voice and tell us that your okay. I crave to know the reason why you had to leave us behind.
I love you, I miss you and I wish I could hug and kiss you. No matter your reason we will always be here with open arms waiting until the day you walk back into our lives.
You never gave us a chance to fix anything if there was something to fix. Or even told us if somehow you need more of our help. This month is your month and it hurts me every time it comes by. I stare at your photo and I imagine you talking to me, telling me that it was just all a dream. That you never left, that I can look up and when I do you will be there with your beautiful smile and laughter. If this is a joke it is a cruel one, I never knew you to be this way.
Now through technology and a person’s huge heart I am able not only to see you but also the little family that you have for yourself. My nephews and one niece are the best gift that I can have. Looking at their innocent faces I wish I can tell them that Aunty loves theme and misses them. How I wish I could have been there when they first talked, walked. So far from my reach I grab the little comfort that these few photos bring me. What little information that this person gives me I cherish and engrave it into my mind and heart. These will be the only photos that my children will know of their cousins and I begin to cry again.
Seeing the tears and pain looked at our parents face when I tell them what I found out I am getting closer everyday in resenting you. I wish I didn’t feel the love I have for you. I wish I could rip all of our childhood memories from my mind and see you as a stranger that you have let yourself become.
When I see their pain I just want to rip you apart. How selfish can you be to the ones that gave you life, the ones that raised you. They gave so much of their life for their 3 princesses and how do you repay them? By turning your back to them. When you needed shelter, food and money to get by they gave it to you. Your sister gave shelter and took you to interviews, and I… What I did was nothing as long as it was to make sure you and your kids were okay. We aren’t asking for payment we are asking to be apart of your life because we love you. How can you smile and enjoy life when you make me be the one to tell our parent’s the bad news..
I am doing my best not to hate you, not to delete every memory that I have about you. I pray to Allah (SWT) and I ask forgiveness for the black stone that is slowly replacing the stone of love that I have for you.
I hope one day you stop being selfish and for your children sake or for our parents sake you pick up that phone and tell them the truth. I was the messenger that hurt them today and that I don’t know if I can ever forgive you.. The day you finally come back I truly hope I will be able to welcome you with love and care as I once wish..
Your loving little Sister